Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Friends, Still, Hopefully Always

Tonight I had dinner with my friend Tim. It's the first time we've ever gone out as just friends before. It was awkward greatness. I had a fairly decent time and I think he did too. I tried to get caught up on his life as much as he would tell me and I blanked on mine. I was nervous. I was actually shaking a little right before he came in the door of the restaurant. Mostly because I haven't had to look at him for that long in months and I just wasn't sure how well I would do with it. But I felt like I've been ready for a while.  

I had called him earlier in the afternoon to see if he wanted to grab a meal or a drink sometime between then and next week possibly. I was actually surprised when he even answered the phone. I had a whole "leave a message" speech all planned out. He agreed and said tonight would actually work out best. It worked for me too so we made a plan and met for dinner.

We laughed a little, brought up a few old times, and tried to get caught up on each others lives. I think it might have felt a bit forced to him, especially on my part, especially toward the end. I actually had an entire list of things I wanted to talk to him about and I didn't even bring up one of them. I wanted to text him as soon as I got home to tell him sorry for the awkwardness and I'd do better next time, but I didn't.

Here's what was great about it. I did the friends things. I felt like his friend, I liked being his friend and I think in time I'll be a much less awkward friend. I've never been able to be friends with someone I've felt like that about before. I've always thrown such unbelievable out of body witch moments that they've called me crazy and called it a day. They can't ever forgive me working through my process of forgiving them, except for Tim.

This blog, this journey, every adventure for the Missaroo and me, it's felt like a lifetime. And we've learn more life lessons than I ever felt possible in less than 5 months time. We've come a really, really long way. Today was the exclamation point. 5 months ago I had a lot of fears. 6 months ago I had a lot more. Now I'm fearless in so many ways, but here's what I'm afraid of: Tim will leave here and we won't be friends anymore. That's why I called him today. I was thinking about all the amazing people in my life who have made it better, made me better and all of those people I do a horrible job of keeping track of. He's not good at that either but I don't want him to let me fall through the friendship cracks and I don't want the same thing to happen to him either. I want to get back to the point where he trusts me. We lost that along the way and that was totally my doing. We'll never be more than friends again but I want to be friends and don't actually have a lot of those. Three in fact, in all of Washington. Molly, Kristen, Tim.

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