Sunday, April 22, 2012

Slackaroo

We have been doing some serious blog slacking lately. And by we of course, I'm trying to blame the dogs along with myself. But unfortunately they can't type so at the end of the day, all fingers point here. So what's up with the slacking you might be asking? Here's the sitc (short for situation) I have serious writer's block. Like I've never, ever had before. The words just aren't coming. All I can think about is Bill and silly little blog posts just don't seem as important as they once did. I also don't want to bore everyone with the minute details of his recovery. I live for those details. I patiently wait by the phone every night, checking it every few minutes to see if there's a new post about how he is doing. But I realize that is my thing and probably not your thing. Especially because this is still the dog blog and is suppose to be stories about the dogs, not always me.

So I just don't know what else to say. The dogs have an appointment with the vet on Tuesday. Maybe something so dog-blogish will happened that I'll just have to post about it. Until then we wish you all well, and please pray for Bill.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Funk

I've been in a funk lately. I think trying to stay positive while Bill lies in a coma is harder worker than I ever imagined it would be. 25 days in and my positive attitude is starting to wane. What's worse is the guilt of our doggie-sized divorce weighs so heavy on my heart most days I have trouble breathing. I am very much in love with Bill and have been for months and months. My heart broke everyday we didn't talk and I recently found out he thought I was the one who wasn't speaking to him. I felt like the world's biggest jerk. I thought he was tired of me so I backed off. Tried to give him space and not make him feel guilty. His word not mine. I didn't know how I continually managed to make him feel that way but I would do anything to prevent that, even if it meant not talking to him. After he left for his road trip I decided some of the things that drove us apart didn't really matter if I didn't have him anyway. I wrote last month in the blog about how I was trying to move on, well I didn't get very far. And by the following Monday I decided living without Bill just wasn't an option. I still knew we needed space and wanted to wait until he settled back in to life at home in North Carolina. That never happened. This new added information about the pain I caused Bill just makes me ill. Don't get me wrong, I do not feel sorry for myself. How could I? I just feel sick. About the whole thing. All the time. Sick for Bill. Sick for his family. Sick about the fact I can be the world's biggest jerk sometimes and not even know it. Sick that I hurt someone I love so much it hurts. Sick. Sick. Sick. It's no wonder Missy threw up.....

Needless to say, Bill would not be proud of me. He knows sitting around the apartment is not me and he would be even more upset that he was the cause of my sadness. Like you, he is an avid reader the dog blog and knows how much I love to write. Of course this guilt quickly turns into a vicious cycle that just leads to more guilt. More sick.

The dogs as always are the bright in my funk darkness. I bought them matching red raincoats. I've taken them on long walks now that the weather is starting to take a turn toward Spring. We've all spent time on the balcony. We are ready to meet with out wonderful vet one last time at the end of the month to prepare for our own move home. And all of these things make me miss Bill even more. The best dog dad the three of us could ever ask for. I hope he comes out of this coma soon. I have to fly to see him. Must. Hold. Hands. He's scheduled to go in for skull surgery on Wednesday to repair where the doctors had to cut in to relieve the brain swelling. Good news from the Bill camp would certainly get me out of this funk. It's the waiting that's so hard on all of us. Please keep praying everyone. I can just feel the prayers everyday. I love you all.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Uncomfortable

Missy has been uncomfortable lately and I have no idea why. She just lays next to me at night at wines. She's up every couple of hours ((so am I)) and I can never figure out what is wrong. I try taking her out to go to the bathroom but half the time she won't even walk on the grass because it is too wet outside, let alone actually do her business. ((it's April 1st and it's snowing)) I think part of her problem has been the terrible weather we have been having lately. It's been raining since Thursday, today snow. Tomorrow the same. It's wet, wet, wet outside and there is nothing Missy dislikes more than rain, puddles, and mud.

Of course, I always look too far into her problems and try to relate them with my own life or what's happening around me. We've been reading a lot about how restless Bill has been lately. The only word I can think of to describe it is uncomfortable. He's been batting at the nurses when they wipe around his mouth. He's tried pulling his tubes out. He flinches when they change the bandages around his eyes. I know Bill, and I know he is uncomfortable. He hates what's going on, but the good news is he seems to be aware of what's going on. I hope that he wakes up any day now. And once he is awake, I'm hoping he'll be out of the ICU soon, and once he leaves the ICU they will allow him to have flowers and visitors. And well I want to be one of the flower bearing visitors. Although Missy is probably uncomfortable because of an overall lack of exercise, I like to think, again, she feels Bill all the way from Dayton and she won't be happy until he is better. Well Missaroo, that makes two of us.