Sunday, April 8, 2012

Funk

I've been in a funk lately. I think trying to stay positive while Bill lies in a coma is harder worker than I ever imagined it would be. 25 days in and my positive attitude is starting to wane. What's worse is the guilt of our doggie-sized divorce weighs so heavy on my heart most days I have trouble breathing. I am very much in love with Bill and have been for months and months. My heart broke everyday we didn't talk and I recently found out he thought I was the one who wasn't speaking to him. I felt like the world's biggest jerk. I thought he was tired of me so I backed off. Tried to give him space and not make him feel guilty. His word not mine. I didn't know how I continually managed to make him feel that way but I would do anything to prevent that, even if it meant not talking to him. After he left for his road trip I decided some of the things that drove us apart didn't really matter if I didn't have him anyway. I wrote last month in the blog about how I was trying to move on, well I didn't get very far. And by the following Monday I decided living without Bill just wasn't an option. I still knew we needed space and wanted to wait until he settled back in to life at home in North Carolina. That never happened. This new added information about the pain I caused Bill just makes me ill. Don't get me wrong, I do not feel sorry for myself. How could I? I just feel sick. About the whole thing. All the time. Sick for Bill. Sick for his family. Sick about the fact I can be the world's biggest jerk sometimes and not even know it. Sick that I hurt someone I love so much it hurts. Sick. Sick. Sick. It's no wonder Missy threw up.....

Needless to say, Bill would not be proud of me. He knows sitting around the apartment is not me and he would be even more upset that he was the cause of my sadness. Like you, he is an avid reader the dog blog and knows how much I love to write. Of course this guilt quickly turns into a vicious cycle that just leads to more guilt. More sick.

The dogs as always are the bright in my funk darkness. I bought them matching red raincoats. I've taken them on long walks now that the weather is starting to take a turn toward Spring. We've all spent time on the balcony. We are ready to meet with out wonderful vet one last time at the end of the month to prepare for our own move home. And all of these things make me miss Bill even more. The best dog dad the three of us could ever ask for. I hope he comes out of this coma soon. I have to fly to see him. Must. Hold. Hands. He's scheduled to go in for skull surgery on Wednesday to repair where the doctors had to cut in to relieve the brain swelling. Good news from the Bill camp would certainly get me out of this funk. It's the waiting that's so hard on all of us. Please keep praying everyone. I can just feel the prayers everyday. I love you all.

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