Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm All In

WARNING: This is one of those all about the dog mom posts. If you rather hear about dog mom moments or my adorable puparoos, please skip this one and scroll down to our other fun loving posts.

It was a year ago today that I started this blog. What an emotional roller coaster year it's been lived out in the words of this blog. I have no regretts about blogging with my heart on my sleeve. I've stayed true to myself, even when it's gotten me into trouble.

I have started to realize that in person I can come off as pretty cold. Maybe I am. What I am not, is someone who takes the word "friend" lightly. I don't have a lot of them, but those I do have I am extremely loyal to, once again even if it gets me in trouble. I am either all in or all out when it comes to people. Finding middle ground for me is very difficult. Here's an example. We have a new reporter at work who is engaged. That is wonderful! I love to be around love and I'm sincerely happy for people who are in love. What I'm not is chatty about it, especially at work. When I was telling my mom about him she had a thousand questions to which I had zero answers. She was like well why don't you ask, my response was cold, "because I don't care." But the reason I don't care is actually that I don't trust. I don't know him well enough work wise to trust him with my personal life, so I really don't want to know about his. Strange probably, but when it comes to causal co-workers I am all out.

To be some one's friend for me is a lifetime commitment. There are a handful of people I would lay on railroad tracks for. I would go to extreme lengths to put smiles on their faces. In college, I was about as busy as a student gets. Always stressed, always on the go, and always covered in coffee stains but I still found the time to write my bff Chad notes to tell him not to stress. To try and make him smile. He is one of those railroad track people.

I wish I could be friends with everyone. I envy the people that can walk around the room and at least make everyone feel like they are your best friend. Tim can do that. He has this incredible gift of making everyone feel included and a part of his world. I am so jealous of him for that, and tell him so. Don't get me wrong, I'm capable of small talk, of schmoozing people, and putting on a smile. I am still very much the girl that went around to everyone at work dropping off personal Valentine's. But there is a difference between that and actual investment. I care about everyone, I guess I use the phrase "I don't care" too much because its very much not true. I just don't trust very much and that leaves me in the cold when it comes to personal relationships. I opt out a lot. I say "not in". With those friends of mine I am all in, all the time, no matter what. To the point of no return. So next time I come across as cold, maybe you'll know there is some sort of explanation behind it and it certainly isn't personal. This still probably makes me a bad person but I truly believe explanations are better than silence, especially when it comes to friendships.

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